What do you want to eat tonight?
Such a simple question, but it often floors us.
- Man: “Let’s get Mexican”
- Woman: “But I don’t like Mexican food.”
- Man: “Then how about Chinese”
- Woman: “No, I don’t like that either.”
- Man: “FINE, let’s eat in!”
This decision is stressful because it asks so much of the person coming up with places to eat. In this example the man now has to choose a place they like and the woman does without any hints about what the woman might be interested in.
Conversations like this make communication difficult because they ask too much. In our example, the man has to figure out too much which causes a high cognitive load to this decision and conversation. Instead of spending immense effort playing guess and check, figuring it out, he just gives up because it’s too much.
After experiencing too many similar situations, whenever I am making a decision with someone else, my focus has become reducing cognitive load for my partner so we can make decisions better together.
Here’s some approaches I’ve learned as well as some recent examples to make it extra clear.
Best approaches:
- Structure questions deliberately
- Emphasize what and why you’re asking a question.
- If you want someone to choose option A or B, say that. Alternatively if you chose option A already but aren’t 100% sure, then tell them you’d like them to confirm option A and you’re asking because you want to feel confident in it.
- Provide options to questions
- When questions are totally open-ended, responding is difficult. Instead aim to make questions direct and with finite options
- I aim for 2-3 options.
- My absolute max is 5 options as too many creates difficulty.
- Offer insight into your thoughts
- If you’re asking someone to choose between 3 options, but you prefer option A, then tell them this. Provide your reasoning for why and allow them to agree/disagree.
- Share the pros/cons you thought of for each option.
- Be specific with requests
- When asking for help, provide as detailed of a request as possible so it’s easy for someone to say yes or no to it.
- Additionally if requests are needed by x time, say this in advance. This is particularly important at work.
Examples
- Bad question: Would you want to go on a hike together sometime?
- Good question: Do you want to hike half dome together on either the weekend of August 10th or August 17th?
- Bad question: What should we have for dinner?
- Good question: For dinner, I’m thinking of choosing between In & Out, a local Thai restaurant, or PF Changs. Do any of those sound good to you or do you have somewhere else in mind?
- Bad request: Can you order me something off the menu?
- Good request: Can you order me whichever large salad with grilled chicken looks the most appealing to you?
- Bad request: Can you help me with the baby?
- Good request: Can you give the baby 5 ounces of milk and afterwards burp him and change his diaper?
- Bad work request: Please schedule a meeting on it
- Good work request: Please schedule a meeting with the VP and engineering team before this Friday at 3PM ET so we can make a decision on whether to launch product x